


Unfaithful

by chasingthebooty



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Cheating, M/M, Sad Ending, Swearing, TW: Abusive Relationship, TW: Suicide, eren is very feminine, i wrote this last year, i wrote this when i was sad lol, levi's a jerk, tw: depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 04:10:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11267658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasingthebooty/pseuds/chasingthebooty
Summary: Eren suffers from severe self-esteem problems. And severe relationship problems.





	Unfaithful

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in early 2016. so why am i posting it now? because i was proud of this one when i wrote it, and it reminds me of a darker time in my life. It serves to remind me that i've gotten healthier, mentally. and, also, i need help thinking of new stories to write. send me prompts on jaegerkisses.tumblr.com (please, send me anything)

            Eren’s always felt like he’s not good enough.

            First and foremost, there’s his appearance. His nose feels too big, his eyebrows too hairy - no matter how many times that Eren has tried to trim them, they refuse to mold into a thinner shape - his stomach is _far_ from being as flat as he’d like it to be, and he feels awkward being so tall. Given, he’s not much taller than most of the other people that he’s ever known in his life, but he’s taller than his _boyfriend,_ and that in itself is enough to make him insecure.

            Actually, there are a _lot_ of things about his boyfriend that make Eren feel bad about himself. His boyfriend, Levi, is, admittedly, shorter than Eren by a few inches. It feels _wrong,_ having to stoop down to kiss his lips, and it feels _weird_ to have to look down at the man that he loves. There’s also the fact that Levi is _far_ more muscular than Eren, which is nice and all, but it makes Eren feel inadequate. Why would a guy like Levi, who’s fairly built and can clearly protect himself given that he needs to, want someone like Eren, who probably can’t even shield himself from a spider?

            Eren’s been dating Levi for about two years, now. The time together, however, hasn’t made Eren much more confident in himself like he’d hoped it would at first. Eren’s always been a bit self-conscious of himself, but it feels like, as time passes and Eren changes shape, he’s never been - and is never going to be - good enough. Never going to be good enough for himself, never going to be good enough for Levi.

            Eren lives with Levi. He’d moved in about a year into their relationship, which certainly has helped to strengthen their bond together, but it also makes Eren more vulnerable to showing off his insecurities to his lover. His extra stomach, his utterly _not_ muscular body, his snoring, even his bathing habits, all available for Levi to take notice of and assess and, hell, Levi’s probably already been silently judging him for all of these things. All of these things that Eren _loathes_ about himself.

            Levi tells Eren all the time about how much he loves him and about how perfect that he thinks Eren is. But Eren can’t shake the feeling that these are all _lies,_ that Levi just doesn’t want to have to deal with Eren tearing up over being _ugly_ and _stupid_ and _awkward._ It’s selfish to think that Levi would view him so lowly, but Eren can’t fight the thoughts that his inner demons slip into his mind.

            Eren tries his best to keep his feelings hidden from Levi. Levi doesn’t need to know about his issues. They’re not important. What _is_ important is that _Levi’s_ happy, because Eren’s issues are all things that Eren can fix by himself. His appearance, it’ll take some work, but he firmly believes that one day he’ll be beautiful enough for someone like Levi. His height isn’t going to change, but who knows, maybe Levi will gain a few inches by the time that Eren’s finally attractive.

            It’s that thought that drives Eren into the bathroom every morning when Levi’s downstairs doing whatever he does, which is, most likely, making breakfast. It’s that thought that makes Eren pull out his makeup and tweezers and skin products, and it’s that thought that wills him into trying to fix his face up for the day. All the time, he’s trying something new. A new technique for hacking his eyebrows away, a new product that’ll make his skin clearer, and new accessory that’s supposed to make his ears look smaller. Sometimes, this experimentation goes well, and Eren’s able to go downstairs with a little extra confidence and kiss Levi and tell him a good morning greeting. Other times, however, Eren’s not so lucky. Something will go awry with his appearance, and all at once, he _hates_ himself. He’ll wash off all of the makeup that he’d just spent so long applying, the accessories go in the trash, and he, himself, will hide away in the corner in a pool of tears because _why the hell is he so fucking ugly?_ If it’s an especially bad day, he’ll turn on the shower so that it drowns out the sounds of his sobbing and so that Levi won’t knock and ask why he’s been in the bathroom for so long.

            Really, no matter how pretty the makeup can make Eren, there’s always the underlying feeling of how he’s unappealing. His beauty is temporary. One day, he’ll be attractive, the next, he looks like shit. He doesn’t even know why Levi stays with him, because Eren doesn’t bring anything to the table. All he’s ever done for Levi is _be there._ He’s there when Levi’s upset, he’s there when Levi’s happy. He’s there when Levi wants a cup of tea prepared just the way he likes it, and he’s there when Levi needs help reaching something, since Levi’s not exactly the tallest person around. Levi never actually admits to needing help getting something, though - he just finds a way to hint at needing help.

            And that’s it. In their two years together, that’s all that Eren has ever done for him. _Be there._

Even right now, as Eren waits for Levi to finish shopping - the two of them have stopped by a bookstore after having had dinner out together because Eren wouldn’t stop pestering Levi about buying him a book that had just recently come out, and now Levi’s finally gone off on a manhunt to find said book - Eren can’t fight off his thoughts. He’s in the corner of the shop, one hand clutching the front of his shirt in an attempt to find solace, the other hand moving anxiously up and down his body. It goes from resting in his pocket to running through his hair, from gripping the back of his neck to rubbing the outside of his thigh with anxiety. He feels out of place, standing around and just staring out while the people around him have their noses buried in magazines. He feels out of place, being so tall and taking up so much space, and _holy fuck his shirt feels too tight, how much weight has he gained this past week? This shirt didn’t use to be so tight. Maybe it shrunk in the wash? No, Eren’s just getting fat. That’s it._

            Eren’s breathing comes out quick and choked, silent but obviously trying to kill him. It feels like he has hands around his throat, beckoning him to just _die_ because someone so imperfect doesn’t deserve to walk this earth. Someone who can’t control their eating habits, someone who couldn’t even be bothered to _try_ dressing nicely this morning, someone like that doesn’t deserve a life like this. Eren, he’d woken up _already_ feeling shitty, so he just threw on one of Levi’s bigger shirts and a tight pair of pants. He would’ve just sat around the house in his - Levi’s actually, because Eren’s developed a habit of stealing Levi’s clothing to the point where it’s hard to differentiate what shirt belongs to who - underwear and maybe a shirt. But then Levi suggested that the two go out, since their two year anniversary together would be coming up soon. He’d try to cover up by saying that it’s sappy for a couple who aren’t even married yet to already be celebrating their anniversaries, but Levi reasoned that Eren looked sad, so Levi wanted to cheer him up. And cheer him up he did, for at least an hour or so.

            Their dinner together had been _wonderful._ Levi managed to remember Eren’s favorite restaurant and even his favorite dish. Levi’s capable of either making Eren feel _really_ good about himself or _really_ bad about himself. Not too long ago, when the two of them had been eating together, Eren felt really good. Now, as he hyperventilates in the corner of an old bookstore with Levi off somewhere else, Eren feels like absolute _shit._

The bookstore itself is rather peaceful. It’s just _Eren_ who can’t get a hold on himself. It’s just _Eren_ who-

            “Oi, Eren.”

            Eren doesn’t have to turn his head far over before he sees his boyfriend, Levi, hobbling up to him. He makes his way over and holds something out for Eren, which Eren takes. He expects it to be the book that he’d wanted, but instead looks down and takes in the sight of a small, rectangular box.

            “Couldn’t find the book you wanted,” Levi says, “So I bought you that.”

            Eren stares at him. Levi draws his eyebrows together, returning the gaze.

            “What?” he says after a moment, “Open the damned thing.”

            “ _Right,_ ” Eren mutters. His fingers fumble with the sides of the box before he’s able to lift the top up, revealing a necklace with a thin chain, the charm of wings on the very end. It’s not a large charm, but it’s just big enough for Eren to be able to see the subtle details and take in it’s appearance, the look and feel of a white wing overlapping a blue one. It’s a pretty necklace, and it almost glitters when Eren picks it up between his fingers.

            “You like it?” Levi asks, “I thought that maybe you would. You wear a lot of flashy shit like that.”

            _Flashy shit?_ Is that how Levi sees Eren’s tastes? The earrings and the bracelets that he wears to try and divert attention away from his ugly face, his jewelry is all just _flashy shit?_

Eren tries not to let that thought bother him too much, at least not right now.

            “I love it.” Eren gives Levi a smile. Levi’s eyes soften in the slightest before he’s reaching out for Eren’s hand, interlocking their fingers together and pulling Eren outside.

            “Only want the best for my baby.”

            “Your _baby?_ ”

            “Appreciate it, brat. That’s the best nickname you’re gonna get out of me.”

            “You just called me a brat, though.”

            “You like being called that better?”

            “Well, no-”

            “So hush. I’m trying to be romantic. Unless you have a better name for me to call you.”

            Eren pauses for a moment before saying, with a slight giggle, “You could call me your princess.”

            “Deal.”

            “Wait, I didn’t-”

            “You’re my little princess, now, Eren.”

            Eren can’t fight the blush that surfaces onto his cheeks. No matter how confident he tries to act for Levi, Levi always finds a way to leave him aghast.

            Eren doesn’t mind being called a princess. It’s just, if Eren were a princess, he’d be the ugliest one to ever hit the kingdom. The blandest one. The one not worth anybody’s time.

            The one most undeserving of being titled with royalty.

            The one most undeserving of such a sweet life.

            The one that doesn't matter.

                                                                                                             ~|~

            Usually, Eren’s able to find something to preoccupy himself with while Levi’s away during the day. Levi works - he was lucky enough to be able to snag a job not too long after leaving college, employed at the ripe age of twenty-three. Eren, on the other hand, is still _in_ school, which is exactly how he keeps himself busy while Levi’s gone.

            Today, however, Eren’s had to sit around while Levi was gone. Eren attends online classes, but due to a malfunction with the school’s website, he technically has a day off from his classes. Without his learning to distract him, the only thing that Eren's been able to find to take his mind off of himself is _eating,_ which is horrible, what with his insecurities.

            Eren can't help himself, though. Stress combined with nothing to do, it makes him resort to eating. Which only adds more stress. Thus his day has been a vicious cycle, and the only thing that can break it now is the presence of Levi, who can cuddle him and kiss him and call him beautiful. Maybe he’ll even use that _princess_ nickname again, the same one he’d used a week ago at the bookstore.

            Levi brings out Eren’s worst insecurities, but Eren loves him. Levi might unintentionally make Eren feel inferior and weak, but Eren’s willing to push his feelings aside for the man he loves. Eren’s willing to put any of his emotions behind himself if it means that he can keep Levi happy.

            Levi does so much for Eren. He gives him a place to stay, he gives him food, he gives him hugs, he keeps him warm, hell, what _doesn’t_ Levi do for him?

            The least Eren can do is wait for him to get home. Actually, the least he can do is try to look _nice_ for when Levi comes home, which is exactly what he tries to do _now_. He stands in the upstairs bathroom, Levi’s gift hanging around his throat while his fingers work frantically to try to make himself look good. He tries using makeup - makeup which he bought behind Levi’s back - to contour and highlight his face, trying to shape himself into what he wants to be. Several times, he messes up and has to wash everything off so that he can start again. Eventually, he’s too busy crying to focus on his makeup. He’s too busy trying to keep his hands steady, too busy trying to stifle his whimpers, too busy trying to handle himself to notice when the bathroom door beside him swings open.

            “Eren, where w- _Eren?_ ”

            Levi’s voice doesn’t do anything to calm Eren. Actually, it makes him sob _harder._

            “Eren, what’s wrong?”

            Eren feels hands on his upper back, rubbing soft patterns on him. Eren drops the brush he’d had in his hand, the brush designed for adding blush to his cheeks. With his hands free, he doesn’t hesitate to turn around and curl into Levi, having to bend over a bit to fit himself into the crook of Levi’s neck.

            “Eren?” Levi tries again, and this time Eren feels his hands on his hips.

            Levi makes Eren feel comfortable. His presence is warmth, and without him around, Eren is utterly cold.

            But, all the same, Eren wants to _keep_ Levi warm. Meaning that he can’t taint Levi with his aura of sadness. To make Levi lose the will to smile, when Levi’s a man who _already_ so rarely grins, it would make Eren feel like a monster.

            So Eren lies.

            “I-I just, I hurt myself.”

            “On what?”

            “I tripped. And hit the sink.”

            Levi doesn’t respond immediately, which makes Eren uneasy. It makes him feel like Levi doesn’t believe him, which, Levi _shouldn’t_ believe him. Eren’s just lied to him.

            And maybe there’s a part of Eren that _wants_ Levi to see through his lie. See through his lie and realize that Eren’s hurting on the _inside._ Realize that Eren wants to die because of how _fucking hideous_ he is.

            Eren wants Levi to realize that he’s not okay.

            It’s a silent cry for help, and unsurprisingly, it’s a cry that goes unheard. Levi just pats him and murmurs something about how _you’ll be okay, shitty brat, you had me worried there for a moment._

            Eren wouldn’t want it any other way, really. Even when Levi leaves the bathroom so that Eren can wash the tears off of his face. Even when Levi makes a comment about how his appearance with makeup trailing down his cheeks. Eren wouldn’t want his reaction to be any different.

            Eren doesn’t want Levi to feel bad for him. He doesn’t want Levi to worry.

            So it’s good that Levi believes in Eren’s lie. It’s good that he doesn’t think twice about what Eren’s said. Their relationship should be built on _trust._ Levi trusts Eren.

            That doesn’t stop Eren from hurting. The thought that Levi loves and trusts Eren, it doesn’t stop his gut from twisting, and it doesn’t stop him from wanting to throw up. If he rid himself of the contents of his stomach, maybe he’d be one step closer to being beautiful for Levi. Maybe it would quicken the flattening of his stomach, and maybe one day, Eren will be able to sit in Levi’s lap without fear of him being repulsed.

            He decides against throwing up, however. Only because he knows that Levi’s waiting for him outside the door. Only because he knows that Levi loves him, and if Levi hears him throwing up, he’ll be even more worried than he already is.

            Eren tries to clean himself off as quickly as he can through means of splashing water on his face and then drying off several times. Once he thinks he looks fine - despite the red under his eyes and _why the hell is he still crying?_ \- he leaves the room and heads towards the bedroom, where Levi’s already in the midst of changing clothing for the night. His shirt’s already off, and he’s holding it idly it one hand while looking at Eren as he enters the room.

            Eren _shouldn’t_ stare, but he can’t help himself. He can’t help himself, because Levi’s _so fucking handsome,_ his skin a pure white that goes so well with his raven-colored locks of hair. His eyes might not be the prettiest, but Eren likes them, even though he shrinks back under the piercing look he’s being sent. It’s all unintentional - all of the things that Levi does to scare Eren off, it’s obvious that Levi isn’t doing any of it on purpose. But Eren can’t bring himself to tell Levi what’s wrong. Levi wouldn’t be himself without his cold eyes and thin eyebrows, eyebrows that _Eren_ wants, and hell, Eren wouldn’t mind looking like Levi. It’d make his life easier.

            Levi seems to notice that Eren’s upset, and he breaks the silence with a, “Eren?”

            “Yeah?”

            “Does it still hurt?”

            Eren’s silent for a minute, before remembering that he told Levi that he tripped and hurt himself. “Uh-huh.”

            “C’mere, princess,” _oh, god, it’s that nickname again, and Eren’s not sure if he can breathe anymore,_ “Maybe you’ll feel better if you go to bed early.”

            “Maybe.”

            Eren steps over to where Levi stands, using one hand to try and wipe his tears away. Every time he thinks that maybe he’s finally done crying, more tears come, and the pit of Eren’s stomach feels like it’s being squeezed. He feels like he’s betraying himself by letting Levi see him like this. He’s betraying himself by making Levi feel anything but good about himself.

            Levi takes a hold of Eren’s wrist - the one not trying to clear his face - and he helps Eren into bed. Levi kisses his nose every so often, and he offers to help Eren get undressed, to which Eren adamantly refuses. Levi already knows what Eren looks like underneath his clothing, and Eren would rather have it so that Levi doesn’t have to bear witness to that hideous sight as often as is possible. Eren knows that Levi loves him, but love doesn’t negate any nasty thoughts that Levi might have about Eren’s appearance.

            Eren just wants to be the best for Levi. For himself, too, but he won’t feel good about himself until the day that Levi gets flustered over Eren’s beauty.

            Levi crawls into the bed next to Eren, his arm going behind his back and over his shoulders. He sits higher up on the bed so that he can pull Eren’s face close to his chest.

            “Uh-” Eren breathes, his nose being squished into Levi, “You can go downstairs and do something else, if you want-”

            “Nah.”

            “Why not?”

            “I’d prefer to stay with you. At least until you fall asleep.”

            “What’re you going to do after I’m asleep?”

            “I don’t know. Doesn’t really matter. All that matters right _now_ is that you get to sleep, princess.”

            “I’ll fall asleep easier if you don’t suffocate me.”

            Levi breathes out a small laugh at that, and he loosens his hold on Eren. Eren falls back just far enough to be able to look up and see Levi’s face above him.

            “You know,” Levi murmurs, and Eren can see a hint of amusement in how he smirks, “They say that sex helps relieve stre-”

            “No.”

            “No?”

            “Nuh-uh.”

            “Why not?”

            “I’m asleep.”

            “You’re talking to me while sleeping?”

            “Yeah.”

            Levi laughs again, and his free arm wraps itself around Eren, completing the hug. Eren curls his hands up on Levi’s chest, and suddenly he wishes he _had_ undressed himself, because it’s hot as hell underneath the sheets and with Levi all over him. Insecurities be damned, he feels uncomfortably warm in a position like this.

            He doesn’t do anything about it, though. If his only discomfort at the moment is the temperature, he’ll take it.

            “How was work today?” Eren murmurs.

            “Huh- Oh, yeah, it was fine.”

            “What do you work as, again?”

            “Shithead, you always forget, don’t you?” Levi sighs, “It’s a temporary job. At the gas station down the street.”

            “Can I come visit you some day this week?”

            “Don’t you have schoolwork to do?”

            “What if I finish it early?”

            Eren closes his eyes, relaxing against Levi. Levi starts rubbing up and down his bicep not too long after, slow movements to help lure him to rest.

            “Don’t rush yourself, princess. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

            “I’ll be fine.”

            “You’re taking a hell of a lot of classes this semester, aren’t you?” Levi scoffs, “I wouldn’t push it. But if you _do_ come by, don’t do it until after noon, yeah? And not after five, that’s when I get off.”

            “Why not before noon, though?”

            “It’s too busy during those hours.”

            Eren doesn’t question it. He just laughs it off, snuggling up further into Levi until he has a leg thrown over Levi’s waist. One of Levi’s hands move down to grip his hips, squeezing him. Eren feels a kiss pressed to his nose again, which he returns on Levi’s chest.

            “I love you, Levi.”

            Levi brushes a few strands of hair away from Eren’s face. There’s a silence that lingers on for a couple of seconds, a silence that isn’t necessarily uncomfortable, but is _very_ uneasy. Levi’s never taken so long to return Eren’s words before. So when Levi finally does, Eren can’t shake the hurt that surfaces in his heart.

            “I love you too, Eren.”

                                                                                                             ~|~

            “Oi, Eren.”

            Eren turns around from where he’d been trying to cook Levi a meal. Levi had already returned home from work a good hour or two before, it having been a little over a week since Levi caught Eren crying in their bathroom.

            Eren, however, isn’t exactly the best cook, despite how many times he’s tried the art of culinary. Today, he’s had to settle on making Levi a pot of soup, which Levi didn’t seem angry about. Eren felt bad for not having a larger skillset, but that’s just something that he’ll have to work to improve alongside his appearance. One day, he’ll be perfect for Levi.

            “Levi?”

            “How long until the food’s ready?”

            “Uh- I don’t know, twenty minutes?”

            “Mm. Perfect. Come over here.”

            Eren takes the few steps over so that he’s in front of Levi, just a few feet separating them. Levi stands in the doorway to the kitchen, one hand behind his back.

            “Okay.” Levi takes a deep breath. “I- uh, I don’t really know how to do this.”

            “What is it?”

            “Give me a second, _shithead_.”

            Eren winces a little at the nickname. It’s not unusual for Levi to call him that, but it just doesn’t help to make Eren feel better about himself. The wince goes unnoticed.

            Levi takes a minute to prepare himself, tugging on the front of his shirt to straighten it out with the hand that isn’t behind his back. His eyes shift from staring down at the floor to back up at Eren’s face a few times, before he mutters a _“fuck it”_ and gets down on one knee.

            The next few moments are a blur to Eren - his hearing is fuzzy through the beating of his heart, rapid in his chest, and his sight is blocked through the tears that fall - _goddamn it, he’s not supposed to be crying, Levi doesn’t want to see him crying_ \- and he can’t speak, because every time that he opens his mouth, it’s only whimpers that fall through.

            The only thing that he catches clearly is Levi asking, _“Will you marry me?”_

            Eren tries to force his answer out, his _yes, yes, definitely, absolutely, yes, a million times yes,_ but all he can do at the moment is moan out a choked noise while falling to Levi’s height and giving him a hug. He’s on his knees, arms over Levi’s shoulders, head going down to sob against Levi’s throat.

            He feels Levi’s fingers under his arms. “Is that a yes, then, brat?”

            “Uh-hah,” Eren breathes against Levi’s skin. Levi’s hold on him tightens, and he slowly stands up, his hands moving down to Eren’s thighs. He carries Eren, fingers gripping Eren’s upper legs, moving their two bodies somewhere. It’s not until the two of them are in their bedroom upstairs, and Eren’s being laid down on their bed, does Eren open his eyes.

            He only watches as Levi crawls above him, as Levi grabs his wrists and pins him to the mattress. He only watches as Levi starts nipping at his throat, kisses and bites and licks placed to his skin while Eren lies there, frozen beneath his lover. One of Levi’s hands sneaks up to the hem of Eren’s pants, thumb sliding down underneath.

            A grunt escapes Levi, bringing Eren back to his senses. The thumb that was down the front of Eren’s pants is now on his ass, grabbing him a little _too_ roughly. Eren, in a sudden burst of anxiety, musters as much of his strength together to try and push Levi off of him. All that it does, however, is make Levi halt his movements above him, his body only having been shaken rather than having been pushed off.

            Eren’s never been strong enough to do anything to Levi. He’s lucky that he’s strong enough to make Levi notice that he’s uncomfortable.

            “ _Levi,_ ” Eren gasps, “I- I, uh-”

            “You don’t want to do this?”

            “I, uh. No, I don’t.”

            Levi’s silent. Eren’s heart pounds faster with each second.

            “I want you, Eren.”

            “I want you, too, Levi. But- I, just, not yet.”

            “Not yet?”

            “I just want to save it until marriage, yeah?”

            “I’ve fucked you before, shithead.”

            Levi’s nickname, combined with his harsh voice, makes Eren shudder. He tries to squirm away, but Levi keeps one hand around one of Eren’s wrists, his hold on him tightening.

            “Is it something about me?” Levi asks, and Eren turns his head away so that he doesn’t have to look at him.

            “No.”

            “So it has nothing to do with me?”

            “It has nothing to do with you, Levi.”

            Eren can practically feel the relief emanating from Levi at those words. Relief from what, he doesn’t really know.

            “So what’s wrong, Eren?”

            “It’s nothing. I’m just not in the mood, yeah?”

            Levi removes himself from on top of Eren at that. He rolls over his back so that he’s lying by Eren’s side.

            Eren nuzzles into Levi’s side, the fabric of Levi’s shirt muffling his voice as he tries to change the subject by asking, “Did you get me a ring?”

            “I did.”

            “Where is it?”

            There’s a bit of shuffling on Levi’s part as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little box. He opens it for Eren, and Eren slides the ring out, not even bothering to look at it before he puts it on his finger.

            “I love you, Levi.”

            Levi closes the box and sets it off to the side. He takes the hand that Eren has the ring on in his, and their fingers curl together.

            “I love you, too, Eren.”

                                                                                                             ~|~

            It’s a little under two weeks after Levi’s proposal when Eren decides to visit Levi at work.

            He’d spent all morning fretting over what excuse he should use for visiting him. He’d ended up deciding to make him lunch, but then ended up making lunch a few too many hours earlier than he should’ve, which is why it’s only about eleven in the morning when he heads over to the gas station that Levi said he works at.

            Eren went all out with Levi’s lunch. He searched online for nearly an hour before finding the perfect recipe for Levi, and he followed the directions as closely as is humanly possible while cooking. He’d even made Levi a few small desserts to go alongside the main dish, and he’d set all of the food down in the nicest bowl he could find. He had to run upstairs and dig through his belongings, but he eventually found a nice bow to wrap around the sides of the container as well. Overall, he thinks it’s something that Levi would like. It could never make up for Levi buying Eren an engagement ring, but it’s a nice start.

            When Eren walks into the gas station with the bowl in hand, the first place he goes is the front counter. Behind it stands a tall girl with her hair pulled back into a small ponytail, freckles painting her cheeks as she glares at Eren.

            “Uh,” Eren says, “Is- Is Levi here?”

            “Levi who?”

            “Levi Ackerman.”

            “He’s not in yet.”

            “Huh?”

            “He doesn’t work until noon, kid. I can give him a message if it’s urgent. And if I remember to.”

            “I- I’m his fiancé, though, he said he worked here all day.”

            “Well, Mr. Fiancé, he lied to you.”

            “Wait, so where is he now?”

            “How the hell should I know?”

            Eren blinks, stuttering out an apology before moving aside. He digs into his pocket and pulls out his phone, finding Levi’s contact and clicking the button to call him.

            He brings his phone up to his ear. It rings several times before Levi answers, his voice breathless.

            “Eren?”

            “Levi?” Eren asks, “Where are you?”

            “I- I’m at work, why?”

            “Uh. I’m- I’m at your work, and you’re not here.”

            Levi doesn’t say anything. The only sound coming from the other end of the phone is Levi’s quick breathing.

            “You’re _what?_ ” Levi finally says, “I thought I told you not to go there before noon.”

            “I-”

            “Fucking _shithead,_ do you ever listen to me?” Levi barks. “I give your lazy ass one fucking job, and you can’t even follow it.”

            “Levi-”

            “ _Goddamn it,_ ” Levi sighs, “Go home. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

            Eren has to choke back his tears, hanging up the phone with a quick, _“goodbye.”_ He holds Levi’s lunch close to his chest as he walks out the door of the gas station and heads home. It’s only a fifteen or so minute walk, but every step hurts, and it’s all he can do to not cry.

            He doesn’t know why Levi barked at him. Or why Levi was so angry. Or why the hell Levi even lied to him in the first place.

            His mind, as usual, wanders to the worst places. The worst assumptions. But he tries to brush those thoughts aside, because Levi’s never been a bad person to Eren. The worst that Levi’s ever done is call him names. Eren’s done far worse. Eren’s refused sex, and really, just the fact that he’s so unattractive is enough of a sin in itself. Eren can’t even think of any reason why Levi proposed to him. He _shouldn’t_ have. Eren’s not worthy of becoming a spouse.

            He’s still not beautiful enough yet. And he spent extra time on his appearance this morning.

            Once Eren’s back home, he puts Levi’s lunch on the dining table. The bowl is getting cold, but Levi could always heat it up if he needs to.

            Just last night, Levi had called Eren beautiful and kissed him to sleep. Why, now, is he calling Eren a _lazy ass?_

            Eren doesn’t know. All he knows is, his legs are shaking when he hears the front door open, and just the sight of Levi’s face as he walks into the dining room is enough to bring tears back to his eyes.

            Levi looks different. Not necessarily a good different, however. His hair’s messed up, like he’s run fingers through it time and time again, and his shirt is undone, only the bottom few buttons remaining intact. He holds his jacket over his arm.

            Levi, though, acts surprisingly calm. He takes notice of the bowl on the dining table behind Eren.

            “So why’d you come into my work?” Levi asks, his voice low. He walks over and lifts the top up off the bowl, looking inside.

            “I came to give you lunch.”

            “Is this it?”

            “Uh-huh.”

            “It looks beautiful. Thank you, princess.”

            Eren stares at him. He watches as Levi tastes the food, before leaving briefly and coming back with a fork.

            “Did you make some for yourself, too?” he asks.

            “Er. Yeah.”

            “I’ll share this with you, if you want some of mine. It tastes good. A little cold. But it’s good.”

            “I don’t want any.”

            “Are you sure?”

            “Mhm.”

            Levi sits down at the table. Eren’s heart goes numb.

            “Levi?”

            “Yes, princess?”

            “Are you cheating on me?”

            Levi pauses, one hand on his lunch bowl, the other holding up his fork. He’d just stuck it into his food, and his eyes don’t meet Eren’s. Rather, they stay glued to the table in front of him.

            “What do you mean?” he asks, tense.

            “Your neck.”

            Levi’s hand wanders up to his neck. Almost immediately, he finds what Eren’s been eyeing - a fat, ugly hickey that stretches just below his ear. It sticks out, and Eren knows for a fact that _he_ hadn’t been the one to put it there. He hasn’t given Levi love bites since the last time they made love, which was several months ago, at least.

            Levi’s fingers linger over the bruise before falling back down onto the table. “I can explain.”

            “You cheated on me.”

            “I wouldn’t say it like that.”

            “Oh?”

            “I was just taking a break.”

            “ _Taking a break?_ Levi, you lied to me about going to work.”

            “So?”

            “ _So_ , have you been cheating on me this whole time? When you first got that job a couple months ago, were you cheating on me back then, too?”

            “Eren, it’s not as bad as you think it is. I was going to stop once we got married.”

            “What-” Eren swallows the lump in his throat, “What were you doing?”

            “What do you mean?”

            “When- When you were cheating on me. Was it with another guy? Or a girl?”

            Levi blinks, still not looking at Eren. His knuckles turn pale against his fork, and suddenly, the messy hair and undone buttons all make sense. The breathless way he’d answered the phone. The hesitant, _“I love you”_ ’s, the insistence on having sex.

            Levi’s had another lover behind Eren’s back for a while now. That night when Eren was in tears over his makeup, the same night that he lied to Levi about having hurt himself, Levi had probably just spent the first part of that day with his fingers up somebody else’s ass.

            What if Levi had kissed someone else the same day that he got down on one knee and asked for Eren’s hand in marriage? Eren doesn’t like that thought. Really, he doesn’t like the thought of Levi _ever_ having had put his lips on someone else’s skin.

            “It was a girl,” Levi mutters. He lowers his head, just enough for Eren to be unable to see his face.

            “A girl?”

            “Mhm.”

            “What does she look like?”

            “She’s- she’s short. With shoulder-length hair. It’s blonde-ish. A little bit of an orange tint to it. She has big eyes, too. And long eyelashes.”

            Everything hurts. It’s all Eren can do to not collapse right now.

            She’s everything that Eren isn’t. Short with fair hair and long eyelashes. Eren has big eyes, but big eyes are nothing if the rest of him isn’t beautiful.

            “And her body?”

            “Small. She has some curve to her hips.”

            It sounds painful as Levi speaks. He speaks slowly, taking in deep breaths every few words.

            It’s not any easier for Eren to hear these words, either.

            “What’s her name?” Eren asks, voice just above a whisper.

            “It’s not impor-”

            “Levi, what’s her name?”

            Levi sighs. “It’s Petra.”

            Eren searches his brain for anybody named Petra, but he can’t remember ever having heard that name. He can’t remember anyone who matches the description, either.

            He can’t tell if that’s good or bad. He doesn’t know whether to be grateful that Petra isn’t someone close, like his best friend, or to be angry that Levi cheated on Eren with someone that he never bothered to introduce to Eren.

            “Do you love her, Levi?”

            “No.” His response is quick and certain. “I only love you, Eren.”

            “I don’t believe you.”

            “I bought you a ring.”

            “So?”

            Levi finally looks up at Eren. “What?”

            Levi’s face doesn’t look that different than it usually does. The only notable change is that Levi’s eyebrows are drawn closer together than they usually are.

            “The- The ring,” Eren holds up his hand, fingers shaking. “It doesn’t even matter, does it? Because _I_ don’t matter. I don’t matter enough for you to stay faithful to me.”

            “Don’t say shit like that.”

            “Why not?”

            “Because it’s wrong. I’m sorry for- uh, taking a break from you, Eren, but-”

            “It’s not fucking _taking a break,_ Levi,” Eren chokes out, “You fucking cheated on me.”

            “Eren-”

            “Here. Take your ring back. I don’t want it.”

            Eren slides the engagement ring off, setting it down on the table. Levi stands up, but Eren backs away before Levi can try to stop him from moving.

            “I love you, Eren,” Levi tries, picking up the ring.

            “Leave me alone.”

            “But, Eren-”

            Eren marches towards the front door, swinging it open and slamming it shut behind him. It’s nothing more than an act of anger, a way to try and show Levi how upset he is. Truthfully, Eren has nowhere to go without Levi by his side. He’s become so dependent on the man, he doesn’t have anywhere to go when he’s not around.

            Eren has a few friends. Mostly, they’re people that he dropped once he met Levi. Eren regrets this, of course, but there’s nothing he can do about it now. So he walks until he’s at the corner of the street, and he sits down on a nearby bench.

            He takes to calling everybody in his contacts list. There are his parents, but they died several years ago. His mother of a car crash. His father of grief.

            There are some of his old friends, Armin and Mikasa, who he hasn’t talked to since the third grade. A few rings of their phones reveal that they don’t own those numbers anymore.

            There are some of his more recent friends, Connie and Sasha, who he hasn’t talked to since high school. A few rings of their phones reveal that they, for whatever reason, aren’t going to answer his calls.

            After that, he’s left with nobody. He has nobody left.

            And that’s when Eren starts crying.

                                                                                                             ~|~

            Another week passes between Levi and Eren.

            Eren can’t bring himself to be in the same room as Levi, but he also can’t bring himself to move out of the house. So he does his best to avoid him at all costs, which usually means that he has to hide in the bathroom for extended periods of time and kick Levi out of the kitchen with the excuse of needing to be alone while he cooks.

            He’s taken to sleeping in the living room while making sure Levi stays in the bedroom. Only once has he ever woken up with Levi curled up behind him, but that was on one of the first nights after Eren found out that Levi was cheating.

            Eren made sure to express his distaste for sleeping with Levi _very clearly_ after that. And he thinks that Levi got the hint, because he hasn’t tried to sneak downstairs after hours any time after so.

            Still, Eren doesn’t know what to think. He’s upset, because it doesn’t feel like Levi’s trying hard enough to win Eren back over. Eren hasn’t gotten any gifts so far, no apologies since that day that Levi got caught, nothing. But he’s also upset, because he feels that Levi’s trying _too_ hard, by not acknowledging that something went sour between them, by trying to curl up next to Eren while he’s sleeping on the couch downstairs.

            Eren just wants to die, really. He knows why Levi cheated on him.

            Levi cheated on him because Eren’s so _imperfect._ Levi found a new lover who will willingly touch him, while Eren’s been too insecure to so much as kiss Levi these past few months. And, maybe, his appearance, too - Levi cheated on Eren with someone short, small, and curvy. Eren isn’t any of those things. Eren’s too tall, he’s too lanky, he’s got too much stomach, his nose is too big, his skin isn’t perfect.

            Eren’s never been good enough for Levi. Never has been and never will be.

            Levi should just go date Petra. She’s obviously what he wants in life. Not Eren. Eren’s not what Levi wants or what Levi needs.

            Eren doesn’t even have friends anymore. He left them all for this man who doesn’t love him as much as he says he does.

            It’s Eren’s fault. All of this, it’s Eren’s fault. He let Levi become the biggest factor in his life, and now he’s screwed because the one person he put all of his faith in has betrayed him.

            Eren, as of right now, does as he usually does these days. Sits in the bathroom, eyeing his makeup display nearby. This past week, he’s been caught between trying his hardest to look amazing for Levi and show Levi what he’s been missing, and just not trying at all, because it’s so fucking hard to hold up a brush without bursting into tears at the sight of his reflection.

            Levi’s not home. It’s about three in the evening. He’s at _work._

            Or, maybe he’s not. Eren doesn’t know. For all he knows, Levi could be off cheating on him with whoever that girl from behind the counter of the gas station was. The girl with the freckles and ponytail. Hell, Levi could be cheating on Eren with anybody, and he wouldn’t know. He only knows about Petra.

            Eren had asked Levi, once, to show him a picture of Petra. It hurt, how quickly Levi was able to pull out his phone and find an appropriate picture of the girl. She _is_ a pretty girl, and Eren can see why Levi wanted her. But ever since seeing that picture, he’s found that he’s subtly trying to make himself look like her. He’s gone to trying extra hard on achieving thin eyebrows, he’s tried pulling his hair back, he’s tried everything.

            But nothing works. Eren’s utterly imperfect. His flaws stick out. They’re what make him.

            It’s almost scary, how many times the thought of killing himself has entered Eren’s mind just this past week. He’s even thought of how he’d do it. He’d go down to the hotel not too far away - it’s maybe a street or two over - and he’d jump from the roof. In his mind, he’s debated on and off about whether he’d give Levi a final call or not, and whether he’d try to call up Connie or Sasha one last time and see if they’d answer.

            Still, these are all just thoughts. Eren doesn’t know whether he’d ever go through with them or not.

            Eren stands up, legs shaking, much like they usually do these days. He trudges out of the bathroom, deciding against trying to fix up his face just yet. His legs, they move almost of their own will, into Levi’s bedroom, where he turns on the light.

            It’s probably a huge invasion of privacy to do such a thing, but Eren needs answers. Which is what pushes him towards Levi’s bedside table, where he tears open the drawer and sorts through the contents. Condoms, lube, all of the like, it sends instant guilt into Eren.

            Levi cheated on Eren, and it’s all Eren’s fault. Eren didn’t provide Levi with what he wanted. So Levi just found other means of getting it.

            Eren _did_ plan to have sex with Levi again eventually. He just wanted to be beautiful for Levi first. Given a few months, he thinks he could’ve lost a few pounds and found the right technique for applying makeup to his face.

            He doesn’t have those few months anymore.

            Eren moves on to Levi’s clothing drawers. The first one reveals a shit ton of underwear, but hell, Eren flings them aside, determined to find what he wants. When the underwear drawer proves useless, it’s on to the next drawer, where he finds a ton of pants.

            This is all Eren’s fault. If Eren hadn’t confronted Levi about the hickey, he wouldn’t be here today. He might be happy, in fact. A little confused and doubtful, maybe, but also _happy._

            Eren has to kneel down after the pants drawer, and the next drawer reveals what looks to be towels. It’s in this drawer that Eren finds what he needs, towards the back.

            He picks it up, fumbling with it for a few moments.

            Levi’s cell phone.

            The damned guy doesn’t even have a passcode set on it. All that does is make Eren’s life easier.

            Eren’s known, for a while, that Levi doesn’t like taking his phone to work. He says that it distracts him. He only takes it on days that Eren insists he does - which, he’d insisted it on the day that Eren caught him cheating, because Eren had known all morning that he wanted to plan something special for his lover. So he needed Levi to have his phone, just in case that the special something would be a surprise set up away from Levi’s work.

            Eren doesn’t even know where to start. First, he goes into Levi’s text messages. Sure enough, at the very top, is someone named Petra, and hell if Eren is going to read the texts exchanged between them. Just the fact that her name is in there is enough for Eren to feel repulsed.

            Below her name, however, is _five fucking other girls names._ Names that Eren doesn’t recognize.

            The most recent one was texted just eight hours ago.

            A tear hits Levi’s phone screen, and that’s when Eren realizes that he’s been crying. _Again._ He shouldn’t be crying. He doesn’t _deserve_ to be crying. It’s _his_ fault that Levi felt the need to find other lovers. It’s his fault that he’s burdened Levi with his ugly ass, that he’s made Levi feel so responsible for him that he actually proposed. Does Levi even _want_ to marry him anymore? He can’t. Eren doesn’t even know why he wanted to in the first place.

            Eren drops the phone onto the top of the dresser, and he heads outside, a destination in mind as he walks through the streets in broad daylight with his cheeks wet.

            Eren hasn’t spent the past week mulling over how hideous he is and how unworthy he is for no reason. Eren’s been nothing but trouble for Levi, and surely, Levi won’t be upset if Eren leaves him. Levi has, what, six other lovers? Six others who can come to his aid if he’s even the tiniest bit upset with Eren.

            Eren ignores the odd looks he’s given as he passes through the double doors of the nearest hotel. It’s a dingy place, the lobby a small size, but Eren doesn’t care. It’s a tall building.

            He tries waiting for the elevator first, but, deciding that it’s taking too long, dashes up the stairs instead. He’s tired before he’s even a fourth of the way up, but he pushes himself forward.

            He deserves this. He hurt the only person who cared about him anymore. Levi sounded heartbroken when he told Eren what he had done with Petra. Eren’s the true monster here. Not Levi.

            Eren reaches the roof, a little surprised to find that there’s nobody else around. It’s hard to see past the tears blurring his vision, however.

            It’s not windy, but it’s certainly cold. But Eren can’t be bothered to focus on that. He only has one goal in mind, and that’s to make Levi happy.

            Without Eren around, Levi won’t have to bother with a _shithead_ and his sour mood. His little princess, a nickname that Eren had only recently been given. Eren isn’t deserving of such a sweet name.

            Eren makes his way to the ledge. There’s a thin fence separating him from the very edge, but it doesn’t take much effort for him to leap over it and hang onto the wire of the fence with his fingers, his body leaning forward and looking out. He doesn’t bother to look at the sky - all he cares about is the bustling street beneath.

            His debate about calling Levi is null, now. Levi doesn’t have his phone with him. He won’t answer if Eren calls with his last plea.

            Eren sucks in a deep breath. Everything hurts, and it has _been_ hurting ever since Levi admitted to cheating.

            The necklace that Levi had given Eren as a replacement for the book he was unable to get, the necklace with the wings, it burns against Eren’s collar. He’d loved that necklace so much when he first got it. Still loves it, if he’s being honest. He’s just unsure of how to feel about the man who gave it to him.

            Eren’s worn the necklace almost nonstop since he’s gotten it. The only time he ever takes it off is to bathe. Having had caught Levi as a cheater hasn’t lessened Eren’s adoration towards the fine jewelry, however it _has_ made him get stuck in a vicious loop of wanting to keep on wearing the necklace and wanting to throw it away in a final act of rebellion. He knows that it wouldn’t matter, either way, because Levi just thinks of his accessories as _flashy shit._

            Still, the necklace is special to him. It’s just like the engagement ring, in that looking at it and feeling it reminds Eren of Levi. Eren still loves Levi, more than ever, even though his mind is telling him that he shouldn’t.

            Looking down at the ground below, Eren doesn’t think he can do it. It’s too far, it’ll hurt, it’s scary, Eren’s not strong enough.

            All he’s ever wanted to do is be good enough for Levi. By killing himself, maybe for once he could bring a smile to Levi’s usually stoic face.

            So he jumps.

 

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to comment, or send messages to my tumblr.


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